


House Rules

by songlin



Series: I Prefer to Text [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Comedy, Established Relationship, Gen, Humor, Lists, M/M, Spiders, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-15
Updated: 2012-04-15
Packaged: 2017-11-03 16:13:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/383413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/songlin/pseuds/songlin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which it is explained, via text messages and notes, exactly why John Watson has to put his foot down when it comes to the refrigerator and what is kept in it. Also: camel spiders, and why they are the physical manifestations of fear.</p>
            </blockquote>





	House Rules

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Polski available: [Regulamin domowy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/573513) by [toroj](https://archiveofourown.org/users/toroj/pseuds/toroj)



Going to shop. Move container of cockroaches out of fridge before I get back or hell to pay. _John_

Nowhere else cold enough. _SH_

I’m sure clever old you can work it out. The roaches go. _John_

\--- 

Put roaches on your bed. Put cigarettes down the garbage disposal. _John_

The roaches stay. Need to see if Madagascar hissing cockroaches continue to produce sound in colder temperatures. _SH_

Yes. They do. Put them in Mrs. Hudson’s fridge and I’ll go for the nicotine patches. _John_

Fine. SH

\---

Points for creativity, though the tub looks like something you’d wake up in with a kidney gone. Too bad about the leaky container there. Wonder how that happened. Roaches all dead? _John_

Yes. _SH_

Those ones are. _SH_

I know roughly 42 ways to kill you with my bare hands, I am armed, I literally know where you sleep and I spend a lot of time with my teeth in close proximity to your cock. Do not test me, Sherlock Holmes. _John_

Tragically did not check the oven before preheating it. Dinner options: cockroach flambe or takeout. Your choice. _John_

\---

**KITCHEN REFRIGERATOR/FREEZER GUIDELINES**  


  1. No live animals (including insects & arachnids) regardless of containment
  2. No samples of harmful viruses/bacteria, also regardless of containment
  3. Nothing intentionally created to serve as a poison, paralytic, sedative, or really anything that has the potential of seriously harming or killing a normal adult human being if consumed
  4. Dead body parts (human or other animal) must be kept in clearly labeled, opaque, airtight containers in plain sight
  5. No spiders of any kind at all whatsoever for the duration of eternity unless Sherlock Holmes has a deathwish and/or never wants to have sex again ever
  6. The rules about dead body parts also apply to bodily fluids of any kind
  7. Sherlock Holmes will abide by these rules or suffer the consequences. Consequences in this case will consist of both the binning of the offending item(s) and his boyfriend moving his pretty arse back to the upstairs bedroom for no less than a week, during which Sherlock Holmes may stew in sexual frustration and think about what he’s done.



\---

Fuck you. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. _John_

More accurately, don’t. “Fucking” is not a thing you will be so much as thinking about for some time. _John_

Thinking maybe. Wishing. Fruitlessly. _John_

You are a cock. _John_

I hate you. _John_

There is absolutely no case you could possibly have on involving a fucking camel spider. None. They’re not even native. _John_

Therefore, the only possible reason you could have for letting a BLOODY CAMEL SPIDER LOOSE in the FUCKING REFRIGERATOR where I keep the SODDING FOOD is just to test me. Consider me tested. VERY VERY TESTED. _John_

I’ve never heard a man make that sound before. _SH_

Thankfully I recorded it to cross-reference later. _SH_

Your ability to construct sentences seems to deteriorate when startled, though the...shall we say color? of your language increases significantly. Further experimentation may be required. _SH_

Any further experimentation involving vengeful foot-long biting Afghan death-spiders will end with my foot through your face. _John_

How did you communicate with people before text messaging? _John_

How do you have a blog when you still type with two fingers? _SH_

You utter bastard. I will set your coat on fire. _John_

Should catch better than cockroaches. _SH_

If that’s a guilt ploy it’s poorly aimed. Enjoy your bed, as I shan’t be in it. _John_

\---

Either there are two or the first one didn’t die when I threw your shoe at it. That is definitely a possibility. _John_

Problem? _SH_

Wait, my shoe? _SH_

Yes. To both. _John_

Oh, are you perhaps stuck in the loo? _SH_

Fuck. You. Get rid of it. _John_

I shall consider it. _SH_

Sherlock Holmes. If Satan’s favorite arachnid is not gone in fifteen minutes, I will phone Mycroft and tell him we are official. _John_

You wouldn’t. _SH_

I would. _John_

You’d end up admitting to your paralyzing arachnophobia. To my brother. _SH_

Worth it. _John_

And it’s not paralyzing except in the case of spiders big enough to eat a hamster, thank you very much. _John_

Not to mention exposing our relationship to the possibility of his interference. _SH_

Sherlock, Mycroft has been “interfering” in our relationship since before there was one. Now he’ll merely be focusing on you twice as hard. Probably dropping by on occasion, even. _John_

I’ll get rid of it. _SH_

Thank you. _John_

\---

I couldn’t catch it. _SH_

What. _John_

It seems to have recognized the kitchen as its territory and is defending it appropriately. _SH_

Solifugae daesiidae can run at speeds of up to 16KPH. _SH_

Yes, I learned that in Afghanistan when one chased half my squadron onto the tables in the mess hall. _John_

Logical. Climbing the table doesn’t seem to have occurred to it. _SH_

You’re on the table. _John_

Yes. _SH_

What? _SH_

They bite when threatened. It’s not poisonous, but I’ve no desire to put up with it. _SH_

WHAT? _SH_

Brave Sherlock Holmes, defender of the law, treed by a spider. _John_

If I wanted, I could hide your body where they would never find it. _SH_

Did you squeal like a little girl? John, come and kill the nasty, scary spider for me? _John_

Need I remind you that I was not the one who responded by rattling off a list of rather sacrilegious and inappropriate things about the twelve Apostles? _SH_

Oh, that doesn’t even matter now. Sherlock Holmes is on a table, because there is a scary spider on the floor. _John_

If only I were able to take a photo. _John_

Wait! I bet know who probably has a photo, since chances are he’s got cameras trained on our flat at all times. _John_

He hasn’t. I check. _SH_

Damn. There goes my birthday present for Lestrade. _John_

You brought this on yourself. _John_

So is there a plan of action for neutralizing the fuzzy eight-legged threat? _John_

No. _SH_

Oh, I see. You’re going to sulk now. _John_

This whole situation is literally entirely your fault. I hope you realize that. _John_

I’m calling Mrs. Hudson. _John_

You’re not. She’s more frightened of spiders than you are. _SH_

Lestrade then. _John_

You value his respect too much. It’s important for your sense of masculinity, already stretched thin by the fact that you’ve found you enjoy being the receptive partner in anal sex. _SH_

It’s been at least an hour since I reminded you that you are a bastard. _John_

Never mind. I’ve a plan now. _SH_

That should be a relief. It’s not. Really, really not. _John_

Sherlock. _John_

Sherlock. _John_

SHERLOCK. _John_

It’s dead this time. I checked. _SH_

I would hope so, if that noise was what I thought it was. _John_

It was. _SH_

Coming out. We’re having a talk. _John_

Is the embargo on sex still in place? I did kill it. _SH_

Oh, yes. Perhaps doubly so. _John_

\---

** JOHN’S GUN IS NOT FOR: **

  1. Shooting the walls
  2. Shooting the furniture
  3. Shooting up into the air in a city center, regardless of whether or not your goal is to attract attention and police
  4. Scratching the back of your head
  5. Gesturing dramatically
  6. Use in bed
  7. Shooting creatures that you brought into the flat your own goddamn self (including, but not limited to, camel spiders)




End file.
